So I have a few theories about the spirits haunting my house;
I think they’re drunk; which is why they always knock stuff over and stack odd things and can’t answer simple fucking questions and don’t depart when asked and leave your house a mess, like stop fucking partying at night it’s 3am and I have to GO TO WORK in 3 HOURS.
Like, ok so you have the angry drunk ghost, taking on the form of a poltergeist – who throws you around or drags you into the basement or whatever. Punching at the light on the roof because it’s there and it’s fucking bright and in their face and smash it cause they can reach it. The table flipping douche bag has no regards for you or your personal belongings. Does your tablecloth get yanked off the table by an unforeseen entity? That’s just angry-table-flipping-drunk-bag hating on how you’ve laid out the table. They are a rather unreasonable type. They also leave aggressive messages on recording devices, pinch people, and push them downstairs – generally the kind to make ghost hunters flee from the premises. But try and ask them to go home? Ha, I hope you hid all of your breakables, because they will make a show of how much they don’t want to go.
Then there’s the meticulously delirious drunk ghost who keeps wandering into rooms and forgetting why they’re there, looking for their friend or just a bathroom and that’s why the doors keep opening and there are footsteps thudding around aimlessly like they’re just looking for a cupboard to crash in away from the bastards who’ll shave their eyebrows off. They might also explain why the windows keep opening and the curtains move, or why one might come downstairs with a golf club, expecting an intruder but finding their back door mysteriously ajar. That’s right, that poor little lamb has wandered outside to find their friend –or the bus-that-never-comes, and trying to make it home in their alcohol induced state only to fumble into garden objects and rustle your hedges as they try and find their way out of them. There is no real issue in asking them to leave when they do it by accident on their own.
They can sometimes turn into argumentative drunk ghosts, the ones who are in denial about their drunkenness and who will try and tell you what to do, and who they are, and that they can drive –taking your keys and losing them before they even reach the front door. They re-arranging furniture because they can’t see the TV or are constantly hovering nearby watching you while you do a task and try to take over only to fuck up and drop all the eggs, or who change the channel at an optimal point of a movie. They think they always know what’s best and even try to take your food, sometimes accidentally slapping things right out of your hands. Usually doing particularly small, annoying things as they try and awkwardly assert dominance over the way you’re pouring drinks or cutting pizza. Just you try asking them to leave, they will try and tell you that this is actually their house and cling stubbornly to the banister.
There is also that hungry Drunk ghost asshole who is eating a hole in your fridge and who rummages through your cupboards and pulls glasses and biscuits out and lets them fall all over the floor. Usually they are quite clumsy. Is your kitchen chair scraping eerily across the floor? They’ve bumped into it and aren’t in the right mind to just walk around it. Has your coffee mug mysteriously crashed to the floor? Hungry drunk ghost doesn’t keep an eye on their elbows. Do all your cupboards fly open at once and food and plates rain down in your kitchen? That ghostly asshole has the power to search multiple cupboards at once. Classically, they neglect to do much in the way of picking up after themselves, and tactlessly perform this regardless of whether you are present or not – dignity does not become them. Just keep an eye on your fridge when you have asked them to leave, or you’ll find you don’t have one –that, and they usually fall asleep in obscure places and end up staying too.
We also have the horny drunk ghost who usually stands awkwardly in the bedroom –thinking they’re the sexiest thing on this planet, and then proceeds to gracelessly drag people out of their beds and down the hallway like a Neanderthal. They’re not popular, understandably, and always make their way back inside if you kick them out.
Then there are the delusional happy drunk ghosts, almost high. They like to mess with the lights, even after you’ve told them to stop. They prank call you or even accidentally call you when trying to order Pizza. They’re the ones who try and pet your cat or dog not realising that their haphazard clumsiness sends your animals scarpering. Is your cat staring at nothing? Well, actually they’re just in disbelief at the moron half-dangling through your banisters in an attempt to pet it. They are often the ones who emerge to Ouija Boards and giggle as they spell out `ass-butt` and mumble nonsense into recording devices. They are often the cause of missing objects or stacks of strange things. Are all your cups upside down in rows in the hall? That giggling git had time on their hands, the rows aren’t even symmetrical. Have all your chairs been stacked one atop the other? You guessed it. Is your laundry out in the garden and your cat running around with waffles duct-taped to it? The prank has gone too far because you don’t know where those waffles have come from, so yeah what the actual hell? They tend to perform harmless pranks to try and freak me out, and don’t leave because obviously you’re joking about kicking them out.
They can often be accompanied by –or equally pester –the sad drunk ghosts, who are emotionally charged and are usually the ones spotted dramatically perched atop stairs or floating at the end of the hall in pale dresses or dark clothes. They can also mess with the lights, usually preferring the dark and being really fucking dreary and spooky. They are the wailing, unreasonable ones and usually end up flopping miserably across the floor or spending long periods of time in closets, basements and bathrooms and like turning on taps to calm their confused sobbing, and they are just plain loud. So, your bath might suddenly be overflowing, soaking the floor boards. Catch some creepy-ass reflection behind you in the bathroom? Just ask their sulking ass to get out, you need the loo. Are deathly and/or creepy handprints left all over your post-shower steamed mirror? They’re probably having that emotional breakdown of the fact that they never found their gold fish, or that they’re not some celebrity. Trying to ask them to leave is a delicate subject, often followed by burst pipes and destruction akin to the results of asking the angry Drunk ghosts to piss off.
And they are always partying at night, keeping you awake into those god-awful hours of the sleepless morning. Although you do get those sods who just refuse to leave the morning after and are still stumbling around in a half assed attempt to escape your house before you ask them to clean up.